CG's Stories from Back of a Ryder Truck
by Rocky and CG
Summary: At Acen, while riding in back of a Ryder truck like a bunch of Mexican Immigrants, CG came up with this marvelous parody of a barely known fairytale. Starring Zel, Rezo and Amelia...plus others. Z/A


Yep, I finally wrote it!   
  
  
Slayers Fairy Tale From the Back of a Ryder Truck  
  
Xellos: Hello! Today we bring you a fairy tale from the back of a Ryder truck b/c some people don't like checking weather reports.   
  
CG: Shut up!  
  
Xellos: Glad you didn't wear your spray-painted wig this year, huh?   
  
CG: Shut up… here look at hentai. ::throws manga at him::  
  
Xellos: You dare think I'm that stupid and perverted enough to fall for this?   
  
CG: Fine, give it back.  
  
Xellos: No.   
  
CG: These boxes are killing me!   
  
Xellos: You're lucky! I'm sitting on DBZ figures! How would like Vegita's hair spikes sticking in your ass?  
  
CG: Better than being stuck out in the rain in one of those bus stop thingies in cold weather.   
  
Xellos: But it is nice when a guy like me is stuck with all girls wearing light material cosplay costumes in a bus stop thingy when it's raining and cold. You know what happens to girls in that kind of weather…   
  
WHACK  
  
Xellos: Ow! Hypocrite! Let's get started on this story you don't own. Characters ditto.   
  
CG: Yes, we been overdue for one of these fairy tales. Today sitting on boxes and boxes of anime and hopefully if the light doesn't go out back here, I will tell you one of the rarer, drug influenced fairy tale from my fairy tale book.   
  
Xellos: Look! ::giggle:: These aren't conventional police uniforms, now are they?   
  
WHACK  
  
CG: PUT IT DOWN!!!!! Now before I begin, I must tell the readers we are using CinderZel today.   
  
Xellos: AKA. The Weenie Human Zel!   
  
CG: Once upon a time, the Grayword family owned a lot of land in this one kingdom. Including a farm. Many years ago, one night the barn was stripped of all it's storage. No one could find evidence of what happened to the goods. The next year, on the very same night it happened again. The thief was gone without a trace. The owner of the barn Rezo would make sure it didn't happen again the next year.  
  
Xellos: No one steals his medical marijuana and gets away with it!   
  
CG: So he had one of his servants go to the barn and guard it. But in the morning when he checked on them, the servant was gone and so were the goods. After a few years, Rezo ran out of servants and he killed his grandkids in an "accident" so he only had one other person to count on.   
  
Xellos: WHO COULD IT BE??? I don't know! The suspense is killing me!!!!!!!  
  
CG: It was his hopelessly runty great-grandson who stayed in his room all day long doing who-knows-what.   
  
Xellos: DAMN, I didn't see that coming.   
  
CG: Rezo groans b/c if his other servants couldn't, how could Zel? Rezo goes up to room and knocks.   
  
Rezo: Zel!!!! Zelly!!!! I need you to do something for grandpa!   
  
~Zel reading on his bed sweatdrops  
  
Zel: ::thinking:: Maybe if I stay perfectly still, he won't think I'm here.   
  
~Rezo opens the door   
  
Rezo: Zelly? Zelly… I know you're in here.   
  
…  
  
Rezo: Maybe he's not in here. So that means he won't care if I start violently swinging and poking my staff everywhere!!!  
  
WHACK POKE WHACK WHACK POKE  
  
Zel: OWWWWWWWW!!! OWWWWWWWWW!!! STOP IT!!!!!!!!  
  
Rezo: Did I hear something or was that the wind?   
  
WHACK POKE   
  
Zel: CUTITOUTCUTITOUTCUTITOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
  
Xellos: Awww… he should have used a cattle prod.   
  
Rezo: There you are Zelly boy! I guess you did hear me!   
  
Zel: Grrrr…  
  
Rezo: Zelly, I have a favor to ask of you!   
  
Zel: Have the servants do it! Dilgear, Zolf and Rodimus are more than qualified. AND DON'T CALL ME ZELLY!!!  
  
Rezo: I did, YEARS ago and they all ran away!   
  
Xellos: Bunch of weenies!   
  
Zel: Gee, I wondered why they didn't visit me. I thought they went on vacation.   
  
Rezo: If you ever would leave this room, you would know such things! Now I need you to watch the barn this year!   
  
Zel: Have mom and dad do it!  
  
Rezo: ::sweatdrop:: How long were you in here?   
  
CG: So Rezo eventually throws the anti-social Zel out of his room and the disgruntled Zel walks his way over to the barn.   
  
Xellos: Rezo's weed stash will calm him down.   
  
CG: IT'S NOT A WEED BARN!!!!!!  
  
Xellos: Sure it isn't…  
  
CG: So Zel waits and reads all night, growling and whining.   
  
Zel: This is stupid! Can't Rezo protect his own damned barn? Stupid moron with his stupid "Zelly" talk…!!!!   
  
CG: Suddenly the ground begins to shake.   
  
Xellos: Its just Zoblak the earthquake demon, nothing to worry about.   
  
CG: CinderZel holds on to anything he can.   
  
Zel: I'm not leaving! I will not run away! If I do, the senile old fart won't leave me alone!   
  
CG: The earthquake goes on for a few moments then abruptly stops.   
  
Zel: What the..?   
  
CG: Zel slowly walks over to the barn door and looks through the crack.   
  
Xellos: He sees those greedy bastards Lina and Gourry, no wonder everyone ran in fright!   
  
CG: No! He saw a big horse.   
  
Xellos: A horse? I demand a change in this fic RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
CG: No.  
  
Xellos: Damn you!   
  
CG: This horse was slightly bigger than normal horses and it was wearing bronze. Zel grabbed some rope and lassoed it over the horse's neck and caught it.   
  
Xellos: Ooo… ::rolls eyes::   
  
CG: When Zel got closer, he saw that on it's back was a bronze suit of armor.   
  
Xellos: That didn't fit him.  
  
CG: He leads the horse away from the barn after checking that no one else was around.   
  
Xellos: Come on, you're going to the glue factory!   
  
WHACK   
  
CG: The next day, Rezo was amazed that nothing was taken.   
  
Rezo: Zelly, how did you do it? Did the thief think you were too pathetic to deal with? Or did he die laughing as you showed off your weak sword skills. Or was it…?  
  
Zel: GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Zel never told his great-grandpa about the horse. And so, Zel got to go back into his safe haven for another year.   
  
Zel: WHAT?!?!?!?   
  
Rezo: I want you to go out and make sure that nothing happens again, Zelly.  
  
Zel: Grrrr…  
  
Rezo: Who wants power? Come on Zellyyyy, who wants power?   
  
Zel: Grrrr… *I'm going to kill you, bastard!*   
  
CG: SO again, Zel ends up in the barn. And like last year there was an earthquake and it was more severe than before.   
  
Xellos: Someone had too many burritos!   
  
CG: Again the cause was a huge horse!   
  
Xellos: Who the hell would give horses burritos?   
  
WHACK   
  
CG: This horse was bigger than before and was wearing  
silver and had a matching suit of armor.   
  
Xellos: I would melt it down and get rich!   
  
CG: QUIET!!!!!!!! He caught the horse like he did the first one and led it off.   
  
Xellos: Check out this position!   
  
CG: PUT THE HENTAI DOWN!!!!!!!   
  
WHACK   
  
CG: The next year, Zel decided not to ague with the crazy old man and went to the barn on his own. And again, there was a violent earthquake worse than before. And like the years before, it was another horse, the biggest he ever seen, dressed in gold. He caught it like the others… and so on.   
  
Xellos: ::sings:: GOTTA CATCH THEM ALL!!!!   
  
CG: One day, Zel actually left his room to find more books to read out of Rezo's library. Rezo was chatting with Eris, who was attached to his leg, about the announcement from the king.   
  
Rezo: I heard that there is a contest going on a mile from the kingdom in a huge field.   
  
Eris: What is it, Lord Rezo?   
  
Rezo: Well, they completed building a glass mountain.   
  
Xellos: WTF?!?!?!?! Dani, you really found some messed-up fairy tales.   
  
Eris: Why?  
  
Rezo: Well, the princess is of marrying age and since she cannot find herself a suitor, the king has made a challenge. A suitor must climb to the top glass mountain and collect the 3 golden apples from the glass tree.   
  
~Xellos tilts his head so much he falls sideways knocking over a whole box of lami and trading cards.  
  
Rezo: But first, the suitor must get past the princess who is at the foot of the tree. Not only is she a master of kickboxing and punches people into the next kingdom, the suitor must also live through her justice speeches. The contest starts tomorrow.   
  
Eris: Ah, are we going there to watch?  
  
Xellos: Ooo… Ow! That hurt!   
  
CG: The whole kingdom went to the opening ceremony for the contest. Prince Phil did his speech from the safety of the castle so he is not close enough to shatter the mountain.   
  
Xellos: Good thinking.   
  
CG: The princess was already sitting up on the mountain, waiting for the suitors.   
  
Amelia: When daddy said he was going to start a contest, I thought he meant something more traditional and justice-like. ::sigh::   
  
CG: The contest began as suitors began attempting to climb the mountain. The thing was, it wasn't going well.   
  
Xellos: Why not? Can't they levitate, those idiots?   
  
CG: That's cheating!   
  
Xellos: Then how did the princess get up there?  
  
CG: Levitation.   
  
Xellos: But that's cheating!   
  
CG: Must I stick my sandal up your ass?  
  
Xellos: You are so mean and cruel! Go on then.   
  
CG: Anyway, the glass of the mountain was so slippery, the suitors not their horses could climb up without sliding back down moments later. Hours went by and the suitors and observers started to believe this task was impossible.   
  
Amelia: I wish I brought some magazines with me. ::sweatdrop::  
  
CG: But then, a new suitor showed up. It was a bronze knight riding on a bronze horse.   
  
Xellos: Who could it be???? Dammit! I need to know! I hate suspense! Please tell me now!!!!!!!!  
  
CG: Everyone stared in amazement when the knight on the horse has no problem ascending the mountain. Amelia watched in awe and relief as he came closer to the top.   
  
Xellos: She must really need to go to the bathroom.   
  
CG: Suddenly about 1/3rd of the way up, the bronze knight turns around and goes back down. This makes the princess puzzled and angry.   
  
Amelia: HEY? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!?!?!   
  
CG: The knight didn't seem to hear so. To grab his attention, she picked one of the golden apples and beamed him in the back of his head with it and knocks him off his horse.   
  
Xellos: Wow, I know a few baseball teams that need a good pitcher.   
  
CG: After the tumble, the knight picks himself up and grabs the apple then turns, looks up, and waves at the confused princess.  
  
Xellos: She's not the only one who's confused.   
  
CG: He mounts his horse and leaves the amazed group. The king asks many people who that was but no one has seen this knight before. And they couldn't identify him with the helmet covering his whole head.   
  
Xellos: And poor Amelia is still stuck on top of the mountain.   
  
CG: The next day, suitors were still trying the climb the mountain but most came to see the grand knight again. And later that day, the armor figure came again. This time dressed all in silver and the horse was bigger than before.   
  
Xellos: The bronze guy's bro want some action!   
  
CG: Would you shut up and PUT DOWN THAT DAMNED HENTAI?!?!?!??!   
  
WHACK   
  
CG: The silver knight on his horse then galloped up the mountain with ease. About half way up, the knight stopped again.   
  
Amelia: Are you the knight from yesterday?   
  
CG: The knight nods.  
  
Amelia: Aren't you coming up here?   
  
CG: They stare at each other for a long time. Amelia had so much questions she wanted to ask the knight and wanted to see what he looked like. She breaks away from her thoughts to find the knight heading down the mountain again.   
  
Amelia: HEY?!?!?!?! I ASKED YOU A QUESTION!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
CG: Then she grabs another golden apple and beams him in the back of the head again.   
  
Xellos: That armor is going to lose value with a dent in the back of the helmet. Sad, sad.   
  
CG: After the knight manages to get himself up and grab the apple, he waves at the princess again. He bows farewell and mounts his horse and gallops off. The next day, most suitors have given up and everyone was there to see the awe-inspiring knight that keeps showing up and taking the apples. When the knight appeared that day, he and his horse were dressed in gold.   
  
Xellos: They were immediately mugged.   
  
CG: This time, the knight gallops all the way to the top of the mountain and stops in front of the princess.   
  
Amelia: You finally came to the top, huh?  
  
CG: The knight silently nods again. Amelia wonders who was this mysterious knight who can make it to the top of the glass mountain with no effort while no one else could make it 1/8th of the way up. What it some sort of magic?  
  
Xellos: Or was it complete BS?   
  
CG: Whatever it was Amelia knew she had a duty to do. But by the time she remembered she had to fight him, he started down the mountain… again.   
  
Amelia with fangs: HEY!!!!!!!!! STOP!!!!!! AT LEAST GIVE ME YOUR NAME!!!!!!!!!!   
  
CG: She grabs the last apples and hits the back of the knight's head, again.   
  
Xellos: I can't believe the knight has suffered any brain damage yet. Or maybe he has. Hmmm…  
  
CG: After the long tumble down the mountain and retrieval of the apple, the knight bows and waves again at the princess and gallops off. After watching him leave, Amelia realized what the knight was doing all along: he wanted her to throw the apples at him so he wouldn't have to fight her for them. And now he has all three.   
  
Xellos: Hey! She can get down now! I bet she really has to use the bathroom!   
  
CG: The king started a search for the knight with the three golden apples. They would check everywhere in the kingdom until this knight was found.   
  
Xellos: Even trash cans?  
  
WHACK  
  
Xellos: Watch it, you'll dent the merchandize!   
  
CG: 3 weeks later, the search was led to the Grayword section of the kingdom.   
  
Xellos: Called "Crazy Loon Drive".  
  
CG: The king, the princess and his servants knock at the door.   
  
Xellos: WATCH OUT!! They're after your stash!   
  
CG: IT'S NOT A WEED FARM!!!!!!!!   
  
Rezo: I'll get it! Oof! ::trips over chair::   
  
Eris: Lord Rezo, I'll get it!   
  
Phil: Excuse me, do you have any young men living here?   
  
Eris: Oh yes, he's right over there! Lord Rezo! Well, he's over 100 but he looks 30!  
  
Rezo: ::sweatdrop:: Thank you, Eris.   
  
Phil: We are searching every household because we are trying to find the knight who has successfully taken all 3 golden apples.  
  
Eris: Oh no, that wasn't Lord Rezo! He already has a woman!   
  
Rezo: ::sweatdrop:: *More like leg leech but…*   
  
Phil: So are you the only two living here?  
  
Rezo: Oh right! Zelly! I doubt he can help you but I just want him to get out his damn room for once! ZELLY!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Zel: ::from room:: DON'T CALL ME ZELLY!   
  
Rezo: The royal family wants to see you!   
  
::long pause::   
  
Rezo: Zelly? I know you're up there! Zelly? GET DOWN HERE!!!!! ::sings:: I'M HENRY THE 8TH I AM!!!!!…"   
  
CG: Zelgadis screams in pain.   
  
Rezo: Get down here!   
  
CG: Zelgadis appears at the top of the stairs and he and the princess start staring at each other. Zel is blushing.   
  
Amelia: You have the apples, right?   
  
Xellos: I have 2 big apples in my pants, baby!   
  
WHACK   
  
CG: NO HENTAI FOR YOU!!!!!!!!! Anyway, Zel nods and slips the apples from his pocket as everyone gasps.   
  
Amelia: You have all three apples without having to fight me. It was very clever of you to have taken the apples from me the way you did.   
  
CG: Zel blushes redder.   
  
Rezo: Not really, he just didn't want to be beaten up by a girl. He's a complete wuss!  
  
Zel: I'LL KILL YOU, YOU OLD GEEZER!!!!!!!!!!!!   
  
CG: And so, Amelia and Zel date for several months and live happily ever after! The end.   
  
Xellos: No blood or nothing! This sucks! ::punches boxes:: We're stuck in the back of a Ryder truck! It gives off a creepy mood back here! Where's the gore, where's the blood?   
  
CG: Oh there is blood.   
  
Xellos: Where?   
  
::Lemmy rises up behind him from inside a huge box with sword ready::  
  
Xellos: Errr… Dani, I am really going to get you back for this!   
  
CG: Bye until next time! 


End file.
